You Can See Me But I Can’t

Ever since my grandpa passed away 25 years ago, I've been holding onto this deep longing to see him again, to feel his presence. I discovered through my mother that my dad was absent during the first years of my life. It's like my grandfather had replaced him, and with his departure, I felt like I had lost both a father and a grandfather at once.One day my father accompanied me to our old house, my childhood home, to take some photos. 

Me: Dad, can I take a photo of you? Don't worry; we won’t see your face!

Dad:  Of course, my daughter! Take as many photos as you want. I'm like your grandfather; I've sort of replaced him you know !

This statement resonated so strongly within me that it brought tears to my eyes.  

After all this time, I had this dream a few days ago that hit me hard. I was back in our old abandoned house, where I took my first steps. He was there, sitting on our worn-out couch beside my father who kept still and silent. I stood in the courtyard, looking down at the overgrown garden, feeling scared about something—I can't remember what. Then I turned to my grandfather, he just said, "Go ahead, my daughter. Don't be afraid." with that gentleness that no one could give me and  that kept me captive of his memory for so long.

I felt calm and relieved after that, as if I had finally received the validation I needed to confront my grief without being afraid of losing my mind.